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Vampire Flambé

Ingredients:
1 James Woods in Faux-Aviators and a leather jacket
½ dozen hardened mercenaries in body armor
1 Vatican sanctioned priest
1 armored truck
1 jeep with winch and Daniel Baldwin accessory package
4 stainless-steel partisans
20 – 40 wooden stakes
1 high-powered crossbow with grappling line
1 decrepit house in the southwest full of vampires
Assorted firearms for taste

Prep:
Place James Woods and Daniel Baldwin in American Southwest in proximity of decrepit house at high noon. Natural instincts will take over and they will drive the two vehicles in range while striking stoic poses and motioning to each other meaningfully.

Unload Mercenaries who have been prebaked in the back of the armored truck. Distribute firearms, stakes, and polearms. Apply crossbow to James Woods.

Use the priest to sprinkle blessings on the collective, and re-cap instructions from the Joy of Cooking Vampires, 3rd ed.

Place in house and cook. Once inside the different ingredients work well together. The spears pin vampires against walls and keep those pesky teeth and claws at a safe distance until crossbow bolt can be inserted. The grappling line on the bolt is attached to the winch where the Daniel Baldwin accessory package activates and drags screaming, combusting vampires into the afternoon sun. For vampires that are not reacting well to the recipe, apply small arms fire and wooden stakes until the crossbow can be reloaded.

You know the cooking is going well if you hear James Woods yell, “Die! Die! Die! Motherfucker, die!”

After several hours you should have an appropriate number of Flambéed Vampires to feed any hungry family, and the satisfaction of preparing a well balanced meal. Garnish and serve.

This recipe differs from other Vampire recipes because of its modern flair. Gone are the days of slinking through dank, dark holes looking for those elusive coffins and risk waking a grumpy, hungry vampire who’s been chasing you for the past hour and a half. This method is much more proactive, allowing for a greater mingling of the ingredients in a more efficient manner with often better results.